Sunday crying part 1

Since going back to church I have discovered that every sermon makes me cry and touches my heart. Since leaving the institutional church 15 years ago I have only house churched and now have a completely different outlook after living life and living with the mental health problems of my husband and two oldest. I would like to start sharing my reasons and the verse or story in question every week. I do not expect anyone else to have the same reaction of course ;). Warning: big chunk of verse coming your way: And when Jesus had crossed again in the boat to the other side, a great crowd gathered about him, and he was beside the sea. Then came one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name, and seeing him, he fell at his feet and implored him earnestly, saying, “My little daughter is at the point of death. Come and lay your hands on her, so that she may be made well and live.” And he went with him. And a great crowd followed him and thronged about him. And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I will be made well.” And immediately the flow of blood dried up, and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone out from him, immediately turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’ ” And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.” While he was still speaking, there came from the ruler’s house some who said, “Your daughter is dead. Why trouble the Teacher any further?” But overhearing what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, “Do not fear, only believe.” And he allowed no one to follow him except Peter and James and John the brother of James. They came to the house of the ruler of the synagogue, and Jesus saw a commotion, people weeping and wailing loudly. And when he had entered, he said to them, “Why are you making a commotion and weeping? The child is not dead but sleeping.” And they laughed at him. But he put them all outside and took the child’s father and mother and those who were with him and went in where the child was. Taking her by the hand he said to her, “Talitha cumi,” which means, “Little girl, I say to you, arise.” And immediately the girl got up and began walking (for she was twelve years of age), and they were immediately overcome with amazement. And he strictly charged them that no one should know this, and told them to give her something to eat. (Mark 5:21-43 ESV)

So, if grew up in the church you most likely know this story. The reason it made me cry today is complicated. Yesterday I went to my cousin's 16th birthday family get together. They started talking about what is going on with Isis. I am by nature a mama bear to all. My heart can't handle the news and the powerlessness I feel when I hear terrible things happening to children. It's past and over isn't a thing for me. I cry about things that happened literally thousands of years ago. I don't believe there is redemption for people who hurt children. I am not talking about hurt feelings or spankings. I am talking about molestation and killing. I don't know why we don't rise up against people like Isis and just wipe them out. They don't deserve to live if they are killing children. Anyway, one of the teens mentioned a picture she saw on the news of a man holding his dead 2 year old who had been beheaded. I said out loud "nope" and left the room. Can't handle it. I said my goodbyes to my family, got in the car and broke down crying. So this was still in my heart when this verse was read on Sunday. I don't like to focus on end time focus as I believe that can change your focus on today and now. But I do believe the birthing pains are about two minutes apart now. 

People who don't get mental health are living in a cave

As a woman who works a full time job, plus teaches some piano on the side, plus is raising 2 autistic kids, 1 so far normal kid, and has a bipolar husband who takes up a lot of attention, this is a terrible run on sentence, maybe I should start over.
As a busy and exhausted woman, I don't have a whole lot of time if any for how my yard looks. Once I see grass budding I do realize "well, that needs done really soon." But there are many factors that have to happen in order for the lawn to get done. 1. We both have to be home with one watching the kids. Summer has arrived officially for my kids and there is no time where one of us is out with all three kids so the other can do the lawn. 2. Weather. If it is raining you can't really mow your lawn. I do believe this is general knowledge. If it is to hot it is miserable mowing the lawn. I am the nastiest person if I am uncomfortably hot. My husband has asthma flare up either way but it seems harder to overcome in heat.
I tell you this so you know it is a huge burden to me. Something I wish I could more easily keep up with. It seems like I can't keep up with anything in my life these days. And by these days I mean since getting married to a man who is always wanting my attention.
Anyway, my neighbor stopped by a couple days ago to complain about our yard. Now we had already gotten the front yard done, so no big deal. Obviously we are working on it. He first asked to speak to my husband. I can't allow that, I know how this man sets me off. I don't need the drama that will ensue if I allow him to talk to my husband. So I ask him what its regarding and when he says "The yard" in a tone that says I clearly should have known that, I politely say "Oh, we are getting that done tomorrow."
We have lived in this house for a year and a half. Last year I had a friend mow it for me on a couple occasions because we didn't own a lawn mower yet. He complained about it multiple times last year as well. Never came to my door though. For anything. If he had said "OK" and left it at that this blog wouldn't get written. I would probably write about something more interesting. At least I hope so.
He proceeded to tell me about how its not that hard to just do it. Oh really? I explained we have young kids. He explains he had kids. And because he kept pushing he saw the angry side of me that does not come out often. He saw it last year when I was pregnant and my husband had a hernia the size of a tennis ball so neither of us could do anything about it. He should have dropped it then as well. So I got in his face and said "No! You had normal kids! It is not the same as having autistic kids. We can't have these kids out of our sight for 2 minutes with out them destroying something! I am the only one working and I have to work today. It will get done tomorrow on my day off!"
He must have just had it in his head that he was going to continue talking no matter what I said because he continued on about how its not that hard. I said "Fine! I will give you $20 to mow it yourself then if it is bothering your so much!"
With in 30 minutes he was in our back yard mowing. I personally have not seen him since but my husband has. Every time he sees my husband now he harasses him. When hubby saw Harry (the next door neighbor) he says thank you so much for mowing the lawn. Between his mental and physical problems its hard for him to get it done. Harry proceeds to tell him that he can move past his mental problems and that isn't an excuse. And he has physical problems too but still manages to mow his lawn (bull! his son does it. Thank you for playing). Mama bear in me is clawing her way out. I have refrained. To me my husband is about as helpless as my children are. Until I can get him on his meds I frankly can only pretend to have expectations of him. Everyday is a huge struggle of depression for him. Anything can set him off. Recently he has held it against me that I told him I couldn't worry about his happiness and had to focus on mine. Now what I meant by that on the deeper skill is that I have learned he can't be happy. No matter what I do/say/think, he won't be happy. It has nothing to do with me as his wife (no matter what he says), it has nothing to do with the kids, it has even little to do with being unemployed (though obviously that doesn't help at all). He is obsessed with our marriage and relationship to a point that it hurts him. And I have to live my life and raise my children. I can't be there for every whim he has. I can protect him from Harry though. This man reminds me very much of my husband's step father who beat him unconscious on more than one occasion. I don't know that he has realized that. But this is why I have to protect him from Harry. I don't know what this man's relationship with his kids are, but apparently they tell him they will do stuff and then don't do it. It has to be that because any normal person would let people prove themselves before continuing to attack when given a perfectly good answer of "OK, I will get on that soon".

Hope in sight and taking time for yourself

So after 10 years of avoiding the problem of how bipolar is not something we should live with unmedicated I put my foot down. After talking to my own counselor I told Dan he is going to the hospital. He said no way under no circumstances. So bargaining began. He has now made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. Well he has an assessment anyways which is great! Goal for 2014 is to get him on meds. Its at the point now where he doesn't think he is crazy and that I am the problems. As if. Do I claim to be perfect? Of course not. I will admit to you that I have a problem admitting I am wrong. That has been a long time problem of mine. Probably from birth. haha! But I know I am the sane one in this relationship. I am fighting with every ounce of my being to be the sane one. This means making sure that I do things for me. I am completely consumed with doing things for my family to my very determinant.
What things do I do for myself you may ask? Step one is every morning I go to the basement bathroom with my phone. I use the bathroom and brush my teeth.This is sacred time and if you bother me it better be because of a fire or something of equal urgency. Step 2: as of a couple weeks ago I committed to go to the gym twice a week with girl friends from work. While there I shower. This saves on my water bill as well as makes it so I am uninterrupted. Double win. And step 3: once a month I volunteer at a near by food pantry. As the sole bread winner of my house I have to live off a lot of assistance and giving back is so essential to my very soul! So to any over work woman out there this is my recommendation for your sanity. Do a daily small easy thing. Do a weekly to 3 times weekly thing. And do a bigger monthly thing. My husband is also go about lettting me go out with friends. Its really hard for him to do the same. I truly wish it wasn't but this is just where he is in his illness right now.
I will stop there for now.
Till next time.

Beyond exhausted woman coming through. Please hold your applause

The hardest job is being a parent. If you were a wild animal it might be easier. You would have deeper instincts than you do as a person. Wild animals don't have a Bible or a wrong way of raising their young. They just do what they know to do with very little training. Granted they also eat their young in many cases soooo....maybe they aren't so smart.
I love my three children. I love my husband of 9 years. Nothing in this world could have truly prepared me for being with a bi-polar/schizophrenic man and having not one, but two autistic children! There is probably not a manual for the combination that is my life. So I had better be the one to write it.
That is the purpose of this blog. To document my journey of bringing order to my family.
Why today you may wonder? What finally got me to sit and inflict the internet with my ramblings? 2 things. 1. I have come up with a system to make hubby and I more organized with our lives. Its a system involving note cards and rotating them so they are first in first out. I have 6 categories in this little box. 1. Items (stuff to keep an eye out for at thrift stores and garage sales etc). 2. Daily tasks. 3. Weekly tasks. 4. Monthly tasks 5. Semi year tasks (anything that needs done once in awhile goes in this category.) 6. Goals (one time tasks such as baby proofing. etc).So that was the next card "Write  a journal entry" and even though that card is for my husband and I figured why not?
2nd thing was I had to leave work to get my oldest from school. He is 5, he goes to special needs preschool. We found out he had autism a few years ago. It helps knowing so you can do an even better job raising them. My husband is unobservant to a ridiculous fault.So he sent David to school unkempt. It was bad but not as bad as the teacher had said
Well I am exhausted so I will leave this as my introduction as I am falling asleep at the keyboard.
Hope I can stay with it!
Later,
Froggy